Parts Needed:
Israelite #1 Israelite #2 Israelite #3 Aaron
Moses God
PART I
ISRAELITE #1: Aaron! Face it - Moses isn’t coming back! We need a leader that doesn’t ABANDON us in the desert and a God that doesn’t EAT our leadership on some random mountaintop!
AARON: How can you say that? God led us out of
ISRAELITE #3: Yeah, but what has he done for us lately? We need a leader that is dependable, reliable, and will lead us to the Promised Land!
ISRAELITE #2: But Barack Obama won’t be born for another three thousand years!
ISRAELITE #1: No, you idiot – we need an idol! Aaron, I’m sick of all this manna. Manna three meals a day is really getting old! I’ve got a craving for some Corky and Lenny’s!
AARON: What do you want from me? I’m just a simple priest!
ISRAELITE #2: We saw that the Egyptians had fabulous idols. We want one of our own! You’re going to build us one…or ELSE!
AARON: [To himself] What am I going to do? Oh, I know – I’ll demand they give up all their nicest jewelry. There’s no way they’ll part with their bling-bling.
AARON: [To the Israelites] OK, all you men – I want all your Rolexes! And you women, I want your earrings! That’s right, I don’t care if they’re from Tiffany’s! We’re going to destroy your favorite possessions!
ISRAELITES: [Pretend to give Aaron their possessions] OK!
AARON: [To himself] Oh no! That didn’t work at all. I have to stall them until Moses gets back…
AARON: [To the Israelites] Only I will be able to build the idol. None of you will have the honor of building the calf.
ISRAELITE #2: Fine with us!
ISRAELITE #3: Let’s ask the calf for rain…and for some better food...and for a new iPhone!
AARON [To himself]: Something tells me that calf is going to be giving a lot of sour milk…
PART II
ISRAELITES are dancing around in a circle like Indians.
ISRAELITE #1: This Golden Calf is fantastic! I can see my reflection.
AARON: When Moses gets back, you guys are gonna be sorry!
ISRAELITE #2: Oh, Aaron, don't be such a worry-wort.
MOSES (walking in): Hey, fun party! Why wasn't I invited?
ISRAELITE #3: Uh-oh.
AARON: Moses, welcome back!
MOSES: What's going on here, Aaron? Is that an idol that I see before me?
AARON: Moses, you'll never believe this, but everyone threw their gold into the fire and out popped this amazing golden calf!
[MOSES breaks the tablets]
AARON: Oh, Moses, you're such a drama queen. You know how the people are - they're always getting themselves into trouble.
ISRAELITE #1 (sarcastic): Way to throw us under the bus, Aaron. Yeah, thanks a lot. You're a real good friend.
ISRAELITE #2: Moses, don't be angry. We promise we'll be good this time! We promise!
MOSES: You guys are SOOOO busted. I'm putting a stop to this right now!
(Moses smashes idol)
Here you go, Israelites, drink this down. You all need more gold in your diets.
And as for you, Aaron - you're about as trustworthy as Bernie Madoff.
AARON: I'm really sorry, Moses.
MOSES: Talk to the hand, Aaron. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to talk to God and see if I can fix things. Good help is SOOOO hard to find...
PART III
MOSES: God, I’m sorry to tell you this, but I dropped the Ten Commandments and they broke.
GOD: Nice job, butterfingers! Well, I hope you like hard labor, because you’re going to have to cut the next tablets out of stone all by yourself.
MOSES: What happened to the angel that cut the first ones for me?
GOD: We had to let him go. Tough economy, you know.
MOSES: I guess now would be a bad time to tell you that the Israelites were worshipping an idol. They were frolicking, and carousing, and all sorts of other big words that I don’t understand! I got so angry that I threw them down and they broke into a million pieces.
GOD: You should be angry! Look what YOUR people have done!
MOSES: How come when the Israelites are good they are OUR people, but when they screw up they are MY people? How is that fair?
GOD: You’re right, Moses. Listen, I know what we need to save the Israelites from certain destruction…
MOSES: A mitzvah stimulus package?
GOD: No! I’m going to send you to kill 3,000 of the Israelites, and then I’m going to send a plague to kill even more!
MOSES: What a terrible punishment!
GOD: And that GPS that I gave you to lead you to the
MOSES: Oh no!
GOD: And you think that’s bad? Listen to this. Remember that commandment about turning off your cellphone during operas, plays, Shabbat services, etc? Well, I’m taking that out – now people can be obnoxious all they want! Have fun all you movie-goers! Hahahaha!
MOSES: You know, I’m beginning to think that running into you at the burning bush, and following your command ever since, was actually a bad idea.
GOD: Well, that’s your fault. You should learn your lesson - Don’t listen to anything a Bush tells you!
MOSES: Oy, I have such a headache from all this stress.
GOD: Don’t worry, just take these two tablets and call me in the morning.
PART IV
ISRAELITE #3: Yay! Moses is back from
ISRAELITE #2: He looks positively radiant. He’s glowing like a giant firefly!
ISRAELITE #1: Yeah, too bad sunglasses won’t be invented for another 3,000 years.
MOSES: People of
ISRAELITE #1: What’s the great news?
MOSES: The plagues and the killing are over, and God has agreed to give us the Commandments again.
ISRAELITE #2: What’s the good news?
MOSES: He wanted to give us the Twenty Commandments, but I got the number of commandments down to just 10.
ISRAELITE #3: YAY! And the bad news?
MOSES: Adultery is still one of them.
ISRAELITE #1: Oh no!
MOSES: It gets worse. God also said there will be no more lying or stealing. You know what that means?
ISRAELITE #2: No more politicians?
MOSES: No. It means that we have a little bit of work to do before we can get to the
ISRAELITE #3: Well, at least there are only Ten Commandments we have to follow.
MOSES: Actually, God gave us Ten Commandments – and 603 earmarks. So make that a LOT of work to do before we get to
ISRAELITE #1: Uh, Moses, when exactly will we be arriving at the
MOSES: [Puts arm around Israelites and they walk off together] Let’s just say that you’ll have plenty of time to stop and push up daisies – oops, I mean smell the roses – along the way…
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