MODERATOR
ISAAC
SARAH
ABRAHAM
GOD
ANGEL #1
ANGEL #2
ANGEL #3
RAM
MODERATOR: Welcome to this episode of “Time Travelers: Torah Edition.” Through the miracle of modern technology, we’ll be going back in time to watch critical Bible moments as they happen.
Join us as we venture back in time to watch different scenes from the Torah, as they happen. You’ll even have an opportunity to ask questions of our matriarchs, patriarchs, God, and the angels. On this episode, Vayera.
SKIT ONE: Sarah – Being Told She’s Having a Kid – Before 2nd Aliyah
SARAH: Abraham! How many times do I have to remind you not to leave your sandals in front of the tent?
ABRAHAM: Sorry, sweetie.
Knock, Knock
ABRAHAM: I can’t believe there are people outside waiting to talk to me DURING the Ohio State game. What are they thinking? They must not be from Ohio.
SARAH: Abraham, go answer the door! Bring them some of this milk, and I’ll have the calf ready to serve in just a minute.
[ABRAHAM answers the door.]
ANGEL #1: Are you Abraham?
ABRAHAM: Yes, who wants to know?
ANGEL #2: We have big news for you!
ABRAHAM Did I win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes? Where are the cameras? Oh, I can’t wait to buy myself a sweet camel and an extra-large tent!
ANGEL #2: Well, actually, your wife is pregnant.
[Sarah laughs]
ABRAHAM What? HELLO? Where are you crazy people from? Around here, women can’t have babies in their 90s! There’s no way we can have a baby. And fertility drugs won’t be invented for another 3000 years!
ANGEL #3: Forget about I-V-F, Abraham. We have a different treatment for your infertility: G- O – D. And don’t laugh!
SARAH: I wasn’t laughing. I was just…ummm…clearing my throat. Hey, if God’s going to make Abraham like the stars in the sky, then I guess it’s a pretty cloudy night!
MODERATOR: Smile, Abraham, you’re on “Time Travelers: Torah Edition!” We have some questions for you! Would anyone from the audience like to ask a question of our esteemed guests?
1. Abraham – how does it feel to be such a stud muffin?
ABRAHAM: This is really a strange situation for me. First, I left my homeland to come to this barren desert. Then, God promised to make me a father of nations. I thought my offspring would come from Sarah, but now that I have Ishmael, I’m not so sure. Am I really going to start a nation with Hagar?
2. Sarah – do you really think you’re going to have a kid?
SARAH: Well, we’ve come all this way from Ur and everything is going ok so far. But honestly, there is no way these old bones are giving me a child. And look at that one…the most romantic we’ve been in the past few years was when he told a foreign king that I was his sister!
3. Angels – what’s it like to come down to Earth?
ANGEL #1: You know, we really appreciated Abraham’s hospitality, with the lamb, and the foot massage, and the milk. But it’s a good thing Abraham doesn’t know about kashrut yet!
ANGEL#2: This is a business trip – we can’t hang out very long. We have to catch a flight to Sodom to tell them their city is going to be destroyed. Good luck, Abraham!
MODERATOR: Thank you all. We’ll be right back after these aliyahs.
SKIT TWO: Abraham – Argues with God – After 4th Aliyah
GOD: Abraham, you’re my BFF. It’s time that I let you in on a little secret. I saw on Facebook that there’s a group called “Sodom and Gomorrah.” The members have been posting some really nasty stuff lately. If it’s as bad as I think it is, I’m going to have to delete their Facebook accounts….permanently. There won’t be any more faces OR books when I’m done with them!
ABRAHAM: God, I’m so glad we’re best friends forever, but I need to stand up for my fellow Facebook members. What if it’s just a crazy spammer sending out rude messages?
GOD: If someone’s messing with their accounts, then I’ll let it go. Lord knows, I get TONS of spam!
ABRAHAM: But God, what if there are some people in the group who didn’t post anything bad at all?
GOD: If there are some people who didn’t post anything inappropriate, I’ll let it go.
ABRAHAM: But God, what if you accidentally went to the wrong web page? Or what if its just the administrators who are bad? Or what if –
GOD: Abraham, chill out. Go to Sodom and Gomorrah. If you can find 10 good people, I’ll save the city.
ABRAHAM: My buddy Lot lives there, and he and his wife are pillars in that community. I’m sure they’ll know what’s going on!
MODERATOR: OK, let’s jump in right here. Here’s your chance to ask God a question. Or you can speak directly to Avraham Avinu.
1. Abraham – how does it feel standing up to the Creator of the Universe?
ABRAHAM: Let me tell ya, that wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done. But I thought that me and God were pretty tight – we’ve been through a lot lately – and I could speak my mind. I was a little bit scared, and I thought about just sending him a text message later, but I know he gets a lot of texts. So I really had to get it off my chest then and there. I believe in a just God who doesn’t delete people’s Facebook accounts for no reason.
2. God – are you upset that Abraham challenged your authority?
GOD: You know, I invented the Internet. I invented Facebook. I invented the inventor of Facebook. There’s no challenging my authority on this issue. And let’s be honest – I can see the future. I know the end of this story. I was proud of Abraham for wanting to protect innocent Facebook users.
SKIT THREE: Akeidah – Coming Down the Mountain – 6th Aliyah
[Abraham and Isaac walking arm-in-arm]
ISAAC: Boy, that ram sure was tasty. Glad it wasn’t me!
ABRAHAM: Yeah, you should have seen your face when I raised that knife! You fell for the oldest trick in the book!
ISAAC: Yeah, well, I guess I just wasn’t expecting that our little game of practical jokes would lead to me almost being killed!
ABRAHAM: Just wait till we tell your mom what happened. She’s gonna love this story! And by the way, sorry if I tied those ropes too tight. So listen, to thank you for being such a good son, I’m going to give you a nice present. I’m going to upgrade your computer to that new “Windows Vista” everyone’s been talking about.
ISAAC: But Dad, you know that my old computer needs more memory to be able to run Vista!
ABRAHAM: Isaac, haven’t you learned? God will provide the RAM, my son.
MODERATOR:
1. Abraham – What was going through your head?
ABRAHAM: You know, that’s a really complicated question. Living in my neighborhood, you see child sacrifice all the time. Still, I was a little surprised when my God asked me to do it. But I trusted in God and knew that everything would be fine at the end of the day. See, I was right!
2. Isaac – how did it feel to be betrayed by your father?
ISAAC: Not gonna lie - I was pretty upset. But what could I do? We’re in the middle of the desert and he had a big knife.
MODERATOR: Let’s bring out our special guest, the Ram! Ram, how did it feel to be sacrificed?
RAM: BAAAAAAAAD!
MODERATOR: And let’s bring out our second special guest, Sarah!
SARAH: OH NO YOU DIDN’T! YOU DID NOT JUST ALMOST SACRIFICE MY SON! ABRAHAM, YOU’RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH FOREVER AND EVER!
MODERATOR: That’s all the time we have for this action-packed episode of “Torah Travelers: Vayera Edition.” Join us next week for the death of Sarah.
SARAH: What? Excuse me?
MODERATOR: Take care, everybody, good night!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Ki Tissa Skit
Parts Needed:
Israelite #1 Israelite #2 Israelite #3 Aaron
Moses God
PART I
ISRAELITE #1: Aaron! Face it - Moses isn’t coming back! We need a leader that doesn’t ABANDON us in the desert and a God that doesn’t EAT our leadership on some random mountaintop!
AARON: How can you say that? God led us out of
ISRAELITE #3: Yeah, but what has he done for us lately? We need a leader that is dependable, reliable, and will lead us to the Promised Land!
ISRAELITE #2: But Barack Obama won’t be born for another three thousand years!
ISRAELITE #1: No, you idiot – we need an idol! Aaron, I’m sick of all this manna. Manna three meals a day is really getting old! I’ve got a craving for some Corky and Lenny’s!
AARON: What do you want from me? I’m just a simple priest!
ISRAELITE #2: We saw that the Egyptians had fabulous idols. We want one of our own! You’re going to build us one…or ELSE!
AARON: [To himself] What am I going to do? Oh, I know – I’ll demand they give up all their nicest jewelry. There’s no way they’ll part with their bling-bling.
AARON: [To the Israelites] OK, all you men – I want all your Rolexes! And you women, I want your earrings! That’s right, I don’t care if they’re from Tiffany’s! We’re going to destroy your favorite possessions!
ISRAELITES: [Pretend to give Aaron their possessions] OK!
AARON: [To himself] Oh no! That didn’t work at all. I have to stall them until Moses gets back…
AARON: [To the Israelites] Only I will be able to build the idol. None of you will have the honor of building the calf.
ISRAELITE #2: Fine with us!
ISRAELITE #3: Let’s ask the calf for rain…and for some better food...and for a new iPhone!
AARON [To himself]: Something tells me that calf is going to be giving a lot of sour milk…
PART II
ISRAELITES are dancing around in a circle like Indians.
ISRAELITE #1: This Golden Calf is fantastic! I can see my reflection.
AARON: When Moses gets back, you guys are gonna be sorry!
ISRAELITE #2: Oh, Aaron, don't be such a worry-wort.
MOSES (walking in): Hey, fun party! Why wasn't I invited?
ISRAELITE #3: Uh-oh.
AARON: Moses, welcome back!
MOSES: What's going on here, Aaron? Is that an idol that I see before me?
AARON: Moses, you'll never believe this, but everyone threw their gold into the fire and out popped this amazing golden calf!
[MOSES breaks the tablets]
AARON: Oh, Moses, you're such a drama queen. You know how the people are - they're always getting themselves into trouble.
ISRAELITE #1 (sarcastic): Way to throw us under the bus, Aaron. Yeah, thanks a lot. You're a real good friend.
ISRAELITE #2: Moses, don't be angry. We promise we'll be good this time! We promise!
MOSES: You guys are SOOOO busted. I'm putting a stop to this right now!
(Moses smashes idol)
Here you go, Israelites, drink this down. You all need more gold in your diets.
And as for you, Aaron - you're about as trustworthy as Bernie Madoff.
AARON: I'm really sorry, Moses.
MOSES: Talk to the hand, Aaron. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to talk to God and see if I can fix things. Good help is SOOOO hard to find...
PART III
MOSES: God, I’m sorry to tell you this, but I dropped the Ten Commandments and they broke.
GOD: Nice job, butterfingers! Well, I hope you like hard labor, because you’re going to have to cut the next tablets out of stone all by yourself.
MOSES: What happened to the angel that cut the first ones for me?
GOD: We had to let him go. Tough economy, you know.
MOSES: I guess now would be a bad time to tell you that the Israelites were worshipping an idol. They were frolicking, and carousing, and all sorts of other big words that I don’t understand! I got so angry that I threw them down and they broke into a million pieces.
GOD: You should be angry! Look what YOUR people have done!
MOSES: How come when the Israelites are good they are OUR people, but when they screw up they are MY people? How is that fair?
GOD: You’re right, Moses. Listen, I know what we need to save the Israelites from certain destruction…
MOSES: A mitzvah stimulus package?
GOD: No! I’m going to send you to kill 3,000 of the Israelites, and then I’m going to send a plague to kill even more!
MOSES: What a terrible punishment!
GOD: And that GPS that I gave you to lead you to the
MOSES: Oh no!
GOD: And you think that’s bad? Listen to this. Remember that commandment about turning off your cellphone during operas, plays, Shabbat services, etc? Well, I’m taking that out – now people can be obnoxious all they want! Have fun all you movie-goers! Hahahaha!
MOSES: You know, I’m beginning to think that running into you at the burning bush, and following your command ever since, was actually a bad idea.
GOD: Well, that’s your fault. You should learn your lesson - Don’t listen to anything a Bush tells you!
MOSES: Oy, I have such a headache from all this stress.
GOD: Don’t worry, just take these two tablets and call me in the morning.
PART IV
ISRAELITE #3: Yay! Moses is back from
ISRAELITE #2: He looks positively radiant. He’s glowing like a giant firefly!
ISRAELITE #1: Yeah, too bad sunglasses won’t be invented for another 3,000 years.
MOSES: People of
ISRAELITE #1: What’s the great news?
MOSES: The plagues and the killing are over, and God has agreed to give us the Commandments again.
ISRAELITE #2: What’s the good news?
MOSES: He wanted to give us the Twenty Commandments, but I got the number of commandments down to just 10.
ISRAELITE #3: YAY! And the bad news?
MOSES: Adultery is still one of them.
ISRAELITE #1: Oh no!
MOSES: It gets worse. God also said there will be no more lying or stealing. You know what that means?
ISRAELITE #2: No more politicians?
MOSES: No. It means that we have a little bit of work to do before we can get to the
ISRAELITE #3: Well, at least there are only Ten Commandments we have to follow.
MOSES: Actually, God gave us Ten Commandments – and 603 earmarks. So make that a LOT of work to do before we get to
ISRAELITE #1: Uh, Moses, when exactly will we be arriving at the
MOSES: [Puts arm around Israelites and they walk off together] Let’s just say that you’ll have plenty of time to stop and push up daisies – oops, I mean smell the roses – along the way…
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